Stupid Criminals in Need of a Career Change

My father always said that if someone is stupid enough to steal money they better make sure it’s millions, because they’re going to jail anyway. A criminal that should make a career change from crime in Panorama City, California gave a bank teller a note saying, “I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope.”

The teller said, “All I have is two twenties.”

The robber took them and left!

A Salem Oregon man reported to the police that someone had stolen some of his personal belongings. He listed that one of the missing items was an ounce of marijuana. A wanna-be-robber at Dunkin Donuts intent on stealing the cash register ran off with the adding machine instead.

An unsuspecting woman was standing on the street when a young man ripped her purse from her clutches. She then received a phone call from the man demanding a big reward for the return. She told him to wait at the pay phone he was at and she’d send someone over with the money. She sent the police. In addition to theft he was charged with extortion!

I must say my personal favorite criminal, that is probably making license plates for his career change, is the ex-con intent on robbing someone in New York’s Riverside Park. He pulled a fake handgun on two armed police officers in uniform!

Detective Leslie Bolt in my action thriller, Bolt Action would not have patience for the likes of these criminals. She is a Harley riding, tough talking investigator with a chip on her shoulder and working a serial murder case with her ex-lover doesn’t improve her disposition. Perhaps a couple of Harley’s, paint drumming to music, and a new romance can help Detective Bolt conquer her own demons from the past to solve the “State Quarter Case.”

Please visit my website www.victoriaroder.com to learn a little about me and read an excerpt of Bolt Action. Bolt Action is available through www.champagnebooks.com

FEGHOOTS

By: Angelica Hart and Zi

Angelica Hart and Zi are writers published by Champagne Books.

A: Tie a yelling gibbon around the old folk tree? (She looks at Zi as if forty-six million brain cells instantaneously escaped...wondering where is the hole)
Z: Feghoot! (As if a middle line backer for the Philadelphia Eagles, Zi tackles Mo the Lab)
A: Your owl's named Feg? (The obscurity of Angelica floats amidst the fact that her response was sort of a feghoot. She wants to preen and giggle but wonders what the heck is Zi doing with the dog)
Z: (Straddling the cur, facing its rear, tail slapping face, Zi tries to multi-task) Remember the Fractured Fairytales of Rocky and Bullwinkle? Many of our canard tales are a homage to that style. Parody. False tales. Stories. (He begins to clip his dog's rear toe nails. The dog inadvertently leaves foul air in the direction of Zi's nose. Zi concludes the groomer can clip the nails!)
A: Our new series THE FABLE OF SIN-SIN-CINDERELLA is feghoot filled, ribald and naughty funny.
Z: (About to bore with a long dissertation, Zi looks professorial) The parody blanketed in its feeble and oft ridiculous effort to imitate a style or part of another author's work for the purpose of comic effect has been a staple in writing. The idea of touching something others can connect to, yet poking that pointer finger at the ribs of the readers, why, to tickle, silly.
A: The following is a excerpt that points this out.... Did something crawl up inside that dog and die? (Swiggles up her nose resembling a chipmunk as she waves her hand in front of her face)


ON THE TAVERN FRONT

So three tankards more later, in hobbled a three-legged dog. Eartha did the double-take because it was carrying a gun. The first thought was one tankard too many, then she thought robbery and considered ducking under the bar, but thought better when she noticed Aladdin, owner of a carpet company, laying Rug. Poor Jasmine, she adored the guy, and Rug was enjoying Aladdin. He knew things.

The bartender, wearing a dirty torn t-shirt shouted, "This is a peaceful establishment."

"Woof," responded the dog. The dog sat near Eartha, still scouring the room, looking at each person, studying them.

Eartha asked, "What are doing here with that gun?"

(Note to reader, this is a fairytale so giving latitude to reality is essential.... 'kkkkkkaaaaaay!)

The dog replied in a country drawl, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
"A bowl of grog for my friend," ordered Eartha.

The keeper put the crock of suds on the floor, the tri-pod pooch lapped yet still surveyed the patrons.


A: (Grabs for a pen to make a note, it fails to inkificate [wordsmithing] itself, she discards the pen) There are many stories we all know. Many jokes that the punch line is apparent. Sometimes it is not the pay-off but the trip to that pay-off that can be entertaining. (Grabs a pen from one of ten cups of pens, it fails, discards, grabs another which fails)
Z: (Zi notices the three point shots by Angelia and surveys her discard, head in can, arse examining the ceiling fan, talking, sounds echo) Our model is that old joke where the punch line is they're the Aristocrats. If you are familiar with that joke it has virtually nothing to do with the punch. Every comedian who tries to tell it gives their own twist on the reason for the punch. (Rises with three pens in hand, echo ceases) Many of our tales are just that. It's all about the journey, that winding path full of detours, roadblocks, endless constructions, and delays. Once you reach the destination, the trip is over. Hmmmm, strange analogy on our part but we think it apt. (Puts the pens back in the cup unbeknownst to Angelica)
A: Wordy Wordsome from Wordville, Wordaware has just regaled us! (She grabs one of the retrieved pens, it fails, she heaves it into the can...sighs that cuss-replacing sigh)
Z: Ouuuucccch! That was a little cold. (Eyebrow, left, rose... [For clarification the eyebrow remained on the face, it was the left eyebrow] ...questioning her insistence on wastefulness)
A: You could have just said, these stories are sometimes called Shaggy Dog Stories or Feghoots. They are irreverent dances with inane frivolity, oft pointless and having absurd punch lines. The use of puns is almost a must.
Z: Smarty Smartypants from Smartytown, Smartconsin has re-frosted the cake.
A: Here's another excerpt. (She grabs a pencil...it was pointless...was about to throw it away when Zi sharpened it for her)


"Eartha, did you hear about the sex offender at Sir Lancelot's Home for the Criminally Insane and Snake Your Best Friend's Lady?"

"What?" She was pawed on her ample posterior, not by the cur, but by a drunk who was taking liberties. Beer brains. Or in this case grog brains, the medieval predecessor to beer brains. Well, Eartha the Pissed demonstrated why the nom, the Pissed, when she snatched the man's belt, he thinking he was about to get lucky, and chased him from the Pub, wiping his fleeing arse, oops, meant whipping his fleeing arse. She returned to her seat with a swagger in her step.

"Eartha...that was my best customer."

"Sorry. What about this sex offender?"

"He escaped."

"Oh!" Camelot was at least a three day trip by dragon, a fortnight by horse."

"The Daily Blab and Burp, our Pub blog, reports he went back to his old evil habits."
"Where?"

For one brief moment TB, the tender, though Eartha was going to seek the perv out, shook his head, and replied, "Here, you read the article." He turned the computer and there it was under the title, NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS.

Z: The afore was a play of words with Spooneristic styling as the design, many of our yarns are built in a like-lab that created Mr. Peabody's Improbable History.
A: Sherman was adorable.
Z: We hope you find our Groaners entertaining and maybe gently thought provoking. Zi pulls out the Staples catalogue to order refills for the pens)


We'd love to hear from anyone interested in what we do. Anyone who writes us at angelicahartandzi@yahoo.com and leaves an s-mail address, we will send you a gift and add you to any future mailings.


Angelica Hart and Zi
KILLER DOLLS
SNAKE DANCE
CHASING YESTERDAY
angelicahartandzi@yahoo.com
angelicahartandzi.com

KILLER DOLLS, CHASING YESTERDAY and SNAKE DANCE can be purchased at
Champagne Books
http://www.champagnebooks.com/

The Black Moment just got blacker

I just finished the sequel to On the Silver Edge of Time, my Viking time-travel and I was so excited. I'd set a goal for myself to finish before school and I accomplished my goal. After the high of success wore off a bit, something kept niggling at me. In fact, it kept me awake at night and I realized the ending wasn't quite right. I just couldn't really pinpoint why.

And then it hit me.

I tried to summarize my black moment, that scene where all hell breaks loose and the plot crescendos to a fever pitch and --- nothing. Nada. I'd managed to end my book without a black moment. Argggg. More sleepless nights and finally I figured out how to take away the one thing my heroine wanted most and still save the day. I'm still rewriting, but I'm close to finishing the manuscript yet again and this time hopefully with a more powerful conclusion.

I've read and enjoyed books that didn't really have a dramatic black moment, but they just don't have the same oomph as a book that does. The thing that keeps me reading and rereading books is the tension between hero and heroine. And when the tension builds until it finally explodes, the HEA seems just that much more satisfying. That's what I strive for when I write and that's what I look for in my favorite books.

So, what keeps you reading?  What element do you like best in the books you read?

Story of my life as a writer

Recently, I was asked to write the 'story of your life as a writer'. I thought about how I started to write, just when I began to put ideas down on paper and why. And why I write fiction.

I did a lot of reminiscing and I came to what was for me, a bit of a startling revelation. Early in my life, I was into 'pretend'. I thought all children did that sort of thing, but as I look back on the behavior of my own children, I realized, maybe I was a bit different.

I remember digging through the 'old fashioned' clothing my mother had collected from several long dead relatives. My sister and I would dress up and pretend. I made up the story and my poor sister had to go along with me. After all, I was the oldest. The same was true when we spent time on my grandparents farm. I distinctly remember attempting to build a covered wagon out of an old garden cart to 'pretend' we were traveling west
just like the stories we heard about the early pioneers. Again, my brother and sisters were forced to go along with my plans.

So, I guess my adventure into fiction was preordained years ago. Something else contributed to my desire to write. I loved books. I was already reading a book. I read everyone one of the books in my grandparents' bookshelves before I got to high school.
As kids, we went to the library once a week, and we could borrow as many books as we wanted. Perhaps the need to escape younger sisters and my brother contributed to my need to read, but I doubt it. Those early books fed my imagination. I loved being able to immerse myself in another time, or another place.

It's no wonder then, that I turned to writing fiction when I knew I had to write. And that's another thing. I knew I had to write. There are so many quotes from famous authors about how they had to write. It's something you have to do. I understand that sentiment completely. I also think I know why I picked fiction. As for writing romances, I guess I'll just have to admit that I'm a true romantic. I've been known to cry while reading a sad book, I get all choked up during some movie scenes no matter how often I've seen them. Even a good piece of music will set the tears falling. And I don't like a book with a sad ending. I feel let done, unsatisfied. Even with a mystery or a murder story, for me the bad guy has to get caught.

Okay, so I've got to write, I know why I write fiction and why I like happily-ever-after endings. So, let me know why you write what you write. I'd love to hear.

Paper or Plastic?

Jude Johnson here. another new blogger and author with Champagne Books. This is a crazy time in my life. My only child starts college on Monday. As this is posted, I'm helping him get settled into a dorm room hundreds of miles from home. And for the first time in our educational experience, his Biology 101 class materials are on a required reader.

 

I'll be interested to see what this "University Reader" looks like and what its capabilities are.  The class syllabus was quite specific that the materials are already loaded and not transferable to commercial readers such as Sony or Kindle. We still don't know if it allows additional downloads of ebooks or papers, but the fact this was a required purchase is an indication more institutions are incorporating paperless technology into their curricula. However, I must point out that the $135 list price textbook was still mandatory, as traditional texts were for all his other courses. (Three cheers for Chegg.com and used booksellers - huzzah!)

An analogy (and a good one, actually) has been made that what iPod did for the music, readers will do for books. I certainly hope not - at least, not to the extent that downloadable music destroyed free-standing music retailers. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about ebook publication as a viable and exploding market - but I don't think writers should totally abandon print.

Books have been treasures preserved in some form or another for millennia: clay tablets, papyrus scrolls, hand-illustrated parchment, type-set newsprint, and laser-jet printed paper stand the test of time because they need no gadgets to be viewed. They have been traded and resold, often increasing in value with age and rarity. A book is a sensory experience: the smell of leather or glue, paper, and ink; the weight in your hands and texture of the cover; the vibrant colors of the artwork or the peculiarity of the font; the sound of pages turning, opening doors into other worlds.
 

Ebooks are but one aspect of an author’s market—a growing and exciting one, to be sure, but we should be willing to consider the larger picture. Not everyone has a reader, just as not every person on the planet has an iPod/iPhone. A large portion of Earth’s population has limited or no accessibility to electricity. But ink on paper can be read anywhere there is some source of light, be it the sun, the moon, the candle, or the fireplace. 

Tombstone, Arizona (I'm on the right)

One of the best selling points of print for fans is getting an autographed/ personalized book. I haven't seen any way to do that for ebooks - yet. I'm sure someone will devise an ingenious method to encrypt a signature in the near future, but until then, book signings are still fun opportunities to connect with people. I guess I'm just a ham, because I always have a grand time, especially when I can dress up. Like every author, I've had signings with few sales (or none) but even a quiet signing beats cleaning house any day!

A paperback passed from hand to hand can transform a life.  I independently published my first historical adventure/romance novel, Dragon & Hawk, in print. I am thrilled and humbled at the number of people who have emailed or come up to me at an event to tell me a "friend of a friend" passed a copy to them and they were buying one for their own collection. I can hardly wait to tell my newer online friends when they can get an ebook version because Champagne Books has graciously chosen to e-publish it. (Thank you again, Ellen.) How exciting to think my story will be now available to an expanded market at the click of a mouse! And ebooks have wondrous features for folks with impaired vision.

Marketing a book is like playing golf: Your ebook release is a Big Bertha driver, launching your work way down the fairway. Print books are the short game: wedge and putter to get you closer to your ultimate objective of sinking the ball into the hole -  aka making a memorable impact on the reader. Each club, each format - each market - helps you navigate the entire course. Don't limit yourself to only the driving range or the putting green.

When a friend or relative balks at purchasing your ebook, they may simply be leery of technology. They still want to read your work. Encourage them to ask their techno-savvy friends to download the ebook so your publisher will be encouraged to publish the print edition. Then promise that if they get their entire book club to place an order, you’re available to speak and autograph as many as they’d like. Once there, you can explain how readers work and plug your next ebook release.

So, is it Paper or Plastic? How about both?

The first novel in my historical adventure/romance series Dragon & Hawk, about Welsh immigrants in nineteenth century Arizona, is set for a Big Bertha tee-time/ebook release by Champagne Books in April 2011.

My Website: ScorchedHawkPress.com

You Want Me to What? Working With an Editor

Writing a book is one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had. But, as with most things, there are aspects of completing the work that are less enjoyable. For example, I enjoy my work as a social worker. The paperwork, however, makes me want to scream at times. As writers, getting the story onto paper (or into the computer) is only the beginning. We then enter into the process of critiquing, rewriting, editing, rewriting....

When my first book was published, I looked forward to the editing process with anticipation. It was one more step toward becoming a 'real' writer, one of the benchmarks I'd set for myself. I received my manuscript with a note from the editor--she liked my story, but... Then I scanned all the red notations in my book. It looked as though she'd slit a major artery! She had noted that these were 'suggestions' and that it was up to me to decide what I wanted to change and what I left as I'd originally written.

I did the math on this one. I was a first-time author--green. She was a seasoned editor. I seriously considered every suggestion and accepted all but one. And it paid off.

An editor gives your manuscript a fresh, first look. She or he has not been immersed in your story for months ad nauseum. The editor can give your book a completely objective review and not only find the little nits you've missed, but will view your story in its entirety, assess its readability, plot consistency, and your characters' likability.

A good editor will improve your already perfect (in your mind, at least) manuscript. A seasoned, talented, professional editor is worth his or her weight in gold. She will oft times save you from yourself.

I've been asked what you do if you don't feel you can work with the editor assigned to you or if you don't feel the editor is doing justice to your book. I don’t think this happens often, but it can happen. The first thing I would do is dialogue with the editor about my concerns. If the problem can't be resolved, take your concern to the next level, be that a senior editor or the publisher. But be reasonable and professional. Sometimes a change can be made that will create a better fit with you and for your manuscript. When we treat one another with respect and as professionals, most things can be resolved by talking it through.

My advice: When you have a good editor, give her suggestions serious consideration. Read the text from her perspective. And don't be defensive. If you don't like a particular suggestion or choose not to change something, simply say so and clarify your reason for leaving things as they are. An editor is a valuable tool, but she's also a human being. Treat her as such and nurture the relationship. If she's good at what she does, she will make your manuscript shine!

Happy writing!

Linda Rettstatt
http://www.lindarettstatt.com/

The Reluctant Blogger

Hello! I'm Ashley, a newbie with Champagne Books, and I'm very glad to be part of the Writers Vineyard and a wonderful group of writers. You haven't heard much from me yet, but you've seen me around. I'm the neighbor who smiles and waves before ducking into her car before you can start a conversation. I'm the coworker who starts chewing her nails and tearing cuticles until they bleed if your good-morning salutation lasts longer than two minutes. I was the kid in the schoolyard talking to imaginary friends instead of real ones. I'm the one who always has an excuse not to attend your party, and the one who never answers the phone, choosing instead to communicate with you via email.

It's not that I don't like you; quite the contrary! It's just that I'm, well, shy. I'm shy to the point of quirkiness; in a recent personality test my idiosyncratic score went off the chart. I'm shy and sensitive, two qualities I know I need to shed if I want to survive in the writing industry. This was made painfully apparent recently at the library. There was a young man in front of me in line at the automated checkout, his chin barely holding in place his precarious tower of fantasy novels. I remembered that in my purse were brand-new, shiny business cards touting my website and soon-to-be published fantasy novel, and realized this was a perfect opportunity for a little promotion. But when I opened my mouth, nothing came out, not even when he lingered at the counter to organize his books. I've been trying to toughen up, do some creative visualization. But then I see myself squirming at a book signing as soon as someone says, "Hey, what's your book about?" Uh . . . well, see, there's this planet . . .

It doesn't help when I see the comments on other writers' blogs that state things like, "I wish you would have a stroke or heart attack so I wouldn't have to read your [movie] reviews anymore." On a fellow fantasy writer's blog, one eloquent reader wrote, "I wish I had never read your shitty book." This age of instant communication, where readers flippantly tell you in so many words to drop dead, is no place for a shy and sensitive gal. Time to grow a thicker skin and rein in that heart I usually wear on my sleeve. I will tell you one perk of being shy, however. I love seeing the look on the faces of those who read my books, when they realize the sweet, quiet, innocent Ashley they thought they knew is just on the surface. Get to know me and I promise you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Ashley J. Barnard

www.ashleyjbarnard.com

To Blog or Not To Blog?

Is it really worthwhile? Many of us have asked ourselves this question. And depending on the person, answers will vary. Some feel it involves too much time and effort that could be better spend on their next story. Others feel a blog keeps them connected with their readers, authors, and others out there in cyberspace.

I've often wondered--of what benefit to me is it to have fellow authors read my blog. The answer is simple. Authors are readers too. They have readers on their blogs that may drop by yours on occasion. Also, those writer friends may ask you to guest on their site and vise versa which may bring you new readers.

When I started my blog, Linda LaRoque's Musings, it was difficult deciding what to blog about. Interestingly enough, I get more hits on recipes, vacations, posts about my dog (this week I told about her run-in with a copperhead snake), and short stories I've written. Readers also like to hear about new releases and promotional events. An occasional post with writing tips can also be a big hit.

Blogging doesn't have to be hard. Your posts don't have to be long or on a schedule. Write about what interests you which in turn proves to your readers you're an interesting individual. Respond to your reader's comments. They may never check back, but then again, they might.

Offer an incentive for them to keep coming back. I give away an ebook every month.

I've just started putting out a monthly newletter. Will it take the place of my blog? I don't think so. Though the newsletter will have some of what I've blogged about, it serves a different purpose. Many would rather read something once a month that comes directly to their mailbox rather than go to your site each time you blog.

Remember, each time you blog, each time you comment on a blog, google makes note and that's a hit for you. Google your name and see how many times your name comes up? Is it 10, 100, 1000, 10,000? The higher the number, the better you're doing on getting your name out there.

What are your thoughts about blogging?

Happy Reading and Writing folks!

Linda
http://www.lindalaroque.com/

Seeking the Past, Changing a Future

As an adoptee and a mother of three, I spent a number of indecisive years debating whether to look for my biological mother. Finally, at the age of 60, I did. What I found was that most of the tales told by agencies and adoptive parents are whitewash jobs or just plain fiction.

My non identifying information—all I was entitled to despite the $900.00 I paid the lawyer and the agency—was less than adequate. It did provide limited help putting together the pieces missing in my life story. Most important, the information inspired me to turn my birth mother’s life into a novel, a projection of what might have been.

Tangled Web is so named because of all the deceptions surrounding adoptions: the lies in the family, lies to the neighbors and the illegal aspect of some adoptions. The shame that was associated with illegitimate births in my day was life changing for birth mothers.

The only facts that I had to go on were in the non identifying information, which talked about my extended Welsh family and my own personality traits as described by two different social workers. My adoptive family turned out to be different from my humble beginnings. I’d spent nine months looking "adoptable" like a puppy in a shelter—two Welsh foster homes and later in Germantown, a section near Philadelphia. Once I was part of a family, my personality might have changed. The reality was that it did—briefly—later all the old survival techniques and coping skills returned.

After the non identifying information was delivered, a kind social worker spoke to me on the phone. She told me more and let my mother’s real name slip. Otherwise I’d not have known who she was. Having the real name made the entire story come to life. I did not use those names in this book. If my birth mother had wanted her name used, she’d have okayed identifying information and not changed all the names on the birth documents. Instead, I was able to use her personality and her circumstances as a jumping in spot for her life story.

I call her Catherine, the name that she gave herself on my first birth certificate.
Catherine had to rebuild her life and reputation by moving to a big city and minimizing contact with the people who’d betrayed her. She sets new goals and priorities in a time of political upheaval, post depression and WWII. One could say that Tangled Web is a combination of "Cinderella" and "The Little Match Girl." She evolves from the family drudge and a lonely seeker, always on the outside looking in, to a personal and professional success. I was able to give Catherine her happy ending along with a couple of gotchas. I really enjoyed writing the gotchas.

Julie Eberhart Painter
www.books-jepainter.com

The Grape Connection

I'm new to here. Being both a writer and a gardener, the name Writer's Vineyard intrigued me, especially since I've been trying to grow grapes for three years. By now I should have fruit, but growing grapes, like writing, is a learning experience. A gardener has to know her soil and climate. My site is fine for grapes, fast draining soil with a south-west exposure. Unfortunately, the vines I chose were only cold hardy to climate zone 5. Instead of developing a strong cane to support the spring's emerging vines, mine died back to the ground every winter. No grapes. While my location is considered zone 5, it is too cold for the grapes I planted.

The situation is similar to a writer not knowing her setting. An outstanding plot with arresting characters often fails when the setting isn't resilient. Have you ever read a historical novel where the character's dialog seemed too modern, or a historical detail was wrong? (I can tell you incorrect historical details drive a history buff crazy.) How about a suspense where you laughed because of the inane police procedure? Or glaring geographical inaccuracies in a romance's setting? Did you finish the story, or decide to never to read anything by that author again?

The setting is like a grape's cane. It supports all the plot's twisting and turning stems and allow the characters to develop into sweet and tasty grapes. And like my gardening, it takes research. Every detail counts. When writing, if you don't know how police react in certain situations, you need to investigate. Yes, basic laws are often similar, but jurisdictions throughout the United States and the world differ.

I'd like to be able to travel wherever needed to actually see the settings for my stories. That would be prohibitively expensive, but it's amazing what information and photographs you can find about any geographical location in the world on the Internet.

This spring I bought new super hardy vines developed by the University of Minnesota. I'm hoping they will develop the strong canes I need to grow grapes. While I wait, hopefully my writing will produce some fruit.

Rhobin L. Courtright, author Stone House Farm, Champagne Books
My web pages
grape banner from freeclipartnow.com

Story behind the Story

Michael W. Davis

Davisstories.com

When I’m interviewed for a newspaper article, or for a review website, or at a book signing; one recurring question is “Where did the story come from.” What they’re really curious about is to discover the story behind the story, and every novel has one. I decided that the best way to convey the origins of a novel was through a video that contains how the idea for a novel was born, alone with the photos I used to frame my fictional world as I formulated the characters and scenes. The video below explains how the novel VEIL OF DECEPTION, co-authored by myself and Candace Morehouse was created. If you’d like to check out some early reviews and several excerpts, you’ll find them at Davisstories.com. Enjoy.


Michael Davis, Author of the year (2008 and 2009)

No Short Cuts!

I really enjoyed Donica's post on larger heroines. (Note to authors: No plus sized heroine would EVER get excited about sitting in a Jaguar or a Porsche or any other teeny, tiny sports car – real women need real vehicles)

The problem, of course, was that the author used a specific number (in this case, size) to describe her heroine.

I, too, have an issue with specific numbers. My pet peeve centers around the definition of rich, especially fantasy rich. I live in a major city. Fantasy rich, for me, is when the hero can buy any type of house in any neighborhood he wants. A million dollars is not going to cut it, folks. So telling me he's a millionaire isn't going to make me all weak in the knees. You gotta do more.

Actually do more even if you tell me he's a gazillionaire. If the only thing your readers remember about your characters is his bank account or her dress size, you have problems. I write about billionaires because, in my fantasies, I don't like to worry about the rent. It also allows me to take my readers to exotic places and do some cool things. I've never had a hero described by a reviewer or reader as a billionaire. It is the least interesting aspect of his personality.

No cheating, people! All plus-sized gals are not the same. All billionaires are not the same. Create wonderful, three-dimensional characters we will never forget. I know you can do it!


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Kimber Chin is sharing one of her stories for free on http://businessromance.com/

Is Luck Really A Lady?

The song Frank Sinatra sings so well begs luck to be a lady for him. Which should give us all a clue. Yes, sometimes we get a "lucky" break. It would seem as though I did in getting my first book published. But if I consider all the elements that led up to this happening, no, it wasn't all luck Consider that I began writing stories as soon as I could spell and read, on my father's old typewriter. Stories that he instituted by telling me if he allowed me to use the typewriter I must write him a story. Why would he do this? For one thing, he was totally deaf from nerve deafness, which wasn't fixable in those days. Another contributing factor was he wrote non-fiction that was published. From the beginning he critiqued my stories--alwaus telling me what was good about them before letting me know what I could fix to make it even better. I wrote my stories all through high school.
Then came WWII and a year of college. Because I didn't know any better, I signed up for an English class given by the head of the the department, learning later he was a hard grader. His technique was to have us write an essay, whcih he'd take, critique in red and hand back the next class period. We then studies his edits and rewrote the essay. Everybody groaned but me. Hey, it wasn't much different than what my dad did. Did I ever learn from this guy! (And got an A besides.) He taught me what active vs. passive writing was and why active was better, plus to use active verbs and avoid ly adverbs. After that year I joined the Cadet Nurse Corps, even though I'd never wanted to be a nurse. Hey, it was a really patriotic time and I was too young to join any of the women's service groups.
So I became a nurse, married a doctor and had five kids. Which was fine except for the characrters' voices in my head, all wanting their stories told. Finally I began to write in what spare time I had. My husband insisted what I wrote was "trash." (They were romance stories.) When we lived in California's Central Vally, I took a writing class from a poet who threw us a challenge to begin a story about an old hospital in the area, whose ER was in the basement, where pipes across the ceiling leaked and unseen objects creaked and groaned. She also mentioned there was access there across ceiling openings to the meat freezer where huge slabs of meat carcasses hung on hooks. This was a time when gothics were becoming popular and I saw this as the perfect place to start one. Of course the heroine would then have to be a nurse--on the night shift. Thus I wrote what I knew about as I started my "trashy" story. Later we moved to San Diego where I took an off-campus writing class from a published mystery writer.
This turned out to be the beginning of the end of my marraige and beginning of my life as a writer. The instructor was an author as old as I am now and he told me I had an excellent beginning and that I should finish my story. I believed him and did. He critiqued it in class and I made changes. Then he told me he thought his agent would be able to sell this gothic tale and he'd send TULE WITCH to him when I finished. So this was done. And so was the dissolution of my marriage.
Pure luck that the book sold to Avon? Looking back I can see it wasn't. I'd done my homework and gotten better each time I managed to find someone who knew his stuff critiqued what I wrote. In other words I was ready to have this "luck" happen.
It certainly was not lucky to be single again, but I eventually married again--a guy who wrote on the side--he sold his first gothic soon after mine. We never actually wrote a book together, but we did critique each other's work--a great help to both of us. But I digress.
So I do believe luck is what you make it, and only then does Lady Luck deign to be kind.
And so my September book from Champagne is titled LADY LUCK, the launch book in their new IN THE CARDS Tarot card series, which, in my story, features the Wheel of Fortune Tarot card, which enters the lives of the characters by accident and influences all their lives. That's the theme of the series, in my case played out in the setting of a cruise ship with a casino.

TONS of fun…

...or Loving a Larger woman...

In this world of ours the American population has gotten larger. It’s a fact. I’m one of those LARGE and IN CHARGE women.

In junior high/high school I was on a gymnastics team and I exercised regularly but I wasn’t Skinny Minnie. I wasn’t the most appealing one in the group. While the other girls were small, short and barely had any curves I had an hour glass figured from the time I was almost 13. I was also vaguely weight conscious. I weighed nearly 120 pounds at 5’2” and my father lovingly called me Thunder Thighs. (This didn’t bother me as my mother is a large woman.)

I went away to college where everyone was thin. Instead of the Freshmen Fifteen, I dropped weight. I arrived at college wearing a size 13/14 and by the time I left at the end of the year I was wearing a size 2. I was thin. (Almost too thin. I didn’t have the body structure to handle being that small.)

I married, had a couple of kids and the last time I saw a 2 it was preceded by its twin sister. I went on all kinds of crazy diets…took fem-phen (which worked like a CHARM and I would give my eye teeth to have again!) Then one day I woke up and went hey—there’s nothing wrong with ME! It’s everyone else! Those super skinny chicks who look like walking skeletons? EWWW!

I still struggle with my weight occasionally. I go through bouts of depression over the size of my clothes, occasionally!

I once heard that lots of romance authors are fat lonely women who write about what they can’t have…I wanted to SLUG the idiot who said such a thing. For one thing they obviously haven’t met the authors I know who write WONDERFUL love stories. They are BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, and (THIN!) Happily married women. And a couple of extremely handsome, wonderful men who are ALSO happily married.

I went out to the bookstore and came across a book—the title and author I will NOT name because she is a wonderful person and a talented author—I picked up the book because it was about a larger heroine. I thought WOW! FINALLY a book that shows a large woman in a wonderful light.

I read the book and while the story was heart tugging, and had a wonderful HEA I was angry at the plugging of the book. The plus size heroine who obsessed over her weight? She wore a size 16 occasionally an 18.

16/18? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Now I get that a 16/18 is making the heroine about 160 pounds. Maybe 180. I guess in this skin and bone obsessed world where you’re not beautiful unless you’re border line anorexic that seems huge but is it realistic? I mean come on! On my bad days I would KILL to be a 16/18 again. (But then with the whiff of chocolate muffin sanity returns…)

Now I’m comfortable in my own skin. Most of the BBW (Big Beautiful Women) I know are the same. After all I have a husband who I can satisfy and keep happy. I still hike, fish, ATV, boat, walk, play with my babies. So what if some quack tells me I’m morbidly obese—yeah read THAT on your medical records and see how it makes you feel!!!

I read romances and I don’t care if the heroine is teeny tiny or if she’s hefty mefty. (If I like the book I’m the heroine in my own mind anyway!)

But if the book is marketed as a PLUS SIZE romance, can you at least not enforce the skewed view that a woman of 160 pounds is unlovable and FAT?!?! PLEASE! To me plus size is NOT wearing the clothes whose size equates the age of your teen daughter! Show me a heroine who wears a size 24…who goes into the 5-7-9 to use the bathroom before she stops for a beautiful dress in Woman Within, Lane Bryant or Catherine’s!

Am I alone in this feeling? I’d love to hear from some women who are in the same boat with me. So ladies, you’re BBW? Tell me what you think!

Huggles
Donica

An innovation in technology.

So, it's finally happened. You sit down to write that perfect story. You have the characters worked out in your mind (Or on loose pieces of paper. Or on files on your computer. Or on randomly-placed post-it notes) and your setting vaguely happening. You've worked out the reason your character is going to meet Godheris the Gangly on page 27, and precisely when the action is going to start (page 204, paragraph c, sentence 2).

So, you sit down, your papers surrounding you (or, alternatively, your files open on your computer) and get ready to write. This is it, you think, starting to type feverishly. You type and type and type and, before you know it, you've knocked off 10k and six chapters.

Then, the snag. Did you write your character in blue eyes, or green? Was her dress purple, or was it that rather devilish blue you saw on the bus last week?

You look at the mountains of papers in front of you, thinking. There's no way you're going to be able to find the info quickly and easily in there! There's a system, sure, but in your haste to get to the coffee, you've sent a pile flying, and now you can't remember whether Alfonse comes before or after Zachariah!

Luckily, I have the solution for you. It came out of writing my (ongoing) historical/fantasy series (Trilogy? Quartet? Duo? I still haven’t decided, and all of them have been written!). In the first 5,000 words of the 110,000 word story, I'd already introduced 450+ characters (plus six settings) to the story line, some of which it would be obvious of any discrepancies, some not so much.

Although a computer file system seemed easy (After all, Alt+F allowed an easy search), the space all these files took up slowed my computer horribly. Paper has a habit of being thrown away, and post-its fall apart after a while and refuse to stick. How to organise these characters, settings and rules (laws of my universe?) without ending up with a dead computer!

I was browsing a stationary superstore (alongside bookstores, they're where I go to spend my time) and came across the solution.

Index/System cards.

On each card, you write your characters' name at the top, then fill in any info you know about them. It can be as organised as you want, or just random notes when you think of them. I started with organised, and it all went downhill from there. I have Realms, countries, maps, characters, creatures, species, hierarchies, sketches and all kinds of things in my index systems.

I have two now, one containing the info of every one of my main characters, from all my stories (yellow for female, blue for male, white for unknown). In the other, bigger, fuller one, I have every character even mentioned only by name through to the main character of all four (Three? Two? Six?) books, with them divided by colour into: Pink [human], Blue [creature], Yellow [god], Green [elemental], and White [Head God/Realm]).

The thing about index cards is that you can scribble away, rewrite and replace them as needed. If you file them in alphabetical order, they'll only ever go astray if you lose them (or can't spell – happened a few times to me).

So the next time you forget the colour of your comic relief's eyes... index it.

When Things Just Fit Together

Don’t you just love when things go well?

After the last month, a month full of hospital visits for a new medical allergy and a horrid poison ivy encounter, this week has just been beautimous.
Being a newly contracted author with Champagne Books for my first novel, Zirconya: The Sage of Aluh’Nehn, I get excited over just about any email or comment I get about publishing. I mean, I’m an author now! Officially! How cool is that? And as a bonus, my awesome husband thought a brand new HTC Evo 4g phone would be fun...which it is. I now get all my emails from fans and fellow authors straight to my phone! Perfect timing since this last week has bombed me with messages. I feel like I’m someone now. *le sigh*

And there’s more! I’m going to have a blog interview posted at the Love Romances and More blog on August 12! My first interview! Be sure to check that out. Just keep in mind, as it is my first interview, I don’t know what I’m doing.

Smile and wave, Diana. Smile and wave.

Diana Ilinca
Zirconya: The Sage of Aluh’Nehn - YA Urban/Contemporary Fantasy - scheduled for a June ‘11 release from Champagne Books!
www.dianailinca.com

Like witches, ghosts, history...?

Adrian's Angel is my latest release and packed with all of the above! This was a fun story to write and I wound up trimming the ms some 10,000 words--although I could've easily added more, lol.

If you like time-travel and romances that are a little different than the norm, check it out. It's currently available in eBook via Champagne Books.

You can read excerpts and learn more about the novel at: http://www.angelaashtonbooks.com/ & http://www.champagnebooks.com/.

Sorry for the short post, on a time crunch. Thanks for your interest! Until next time, Angie

Also available:
Amulet of Fate
Corsair Cove
Once A Rebel (Book 1 in the Orphan Train series)

Anatomy of a Query Letter

Let me say first of all that I'm no expert on query letters. I'm only telling you what worked for me.

Waaaaayyyyy back in the spring of 2006, I sent my first query letter to Evil Editor for an online critique. I was prepared for a detailed deconstruction, but I didn't expect the hilarity. Some aren't ready for such a blunt evaluation for all to see, but I saw the logic squeezed between the gasps of laughter.

Here's a repost. The stuff in blue are Mr. Evil's comments:
Dear Agent:

Please allow me to introduce my novel, entitled Bad Ice. [Pleased to meet you. And may I introduce my reaction, Bad Title.]

After a bullet narrowly misses professional hockey player Jason Peterson during a game, [Evil Editor knew all that fighting in hockey games was going to escalate, eventually.] he finds himself torn between Christina, the beautiful young widow who saves his life, and his ex-girlfriend Sheila, who will use any means to reclaim him, including attempted murder. [I can see his dilemma. It's sort of like when the waiter brings you the dessert menu, and the only two items on it are chocolate mousse cake and arsenic custard.]

Jason is at the crest of his stellar career when Ian Pollard smuggles a gun into the arena and attempts to shoot Jason. Christina Mackey is a bystander who inadvertently thwarts Ian's attempt, [She accidentally spills her nachos in his lap while he's aiming his rifle.] becoming injured in the process. Stricken with guilt, Ian turns the gun on himself. [Guilt because he missed? Guilt because he injured Christina? What kind of injury are we talking about? Did she get shot?] [The ravishingly beautiful widow thinks, I've been in mourning long enough, I gotta get out and start living again. So she goes to a hockey game, and before the first period's over, she's lying in the aisle between sections 102 and 103, in a pool of her own blood, with the corpse of the guy who shot her sprawled on top of her. It'll probably be three years of therapy before she goes out in public again.] [Wait a minute, Ian goes to a hockey game to commit murder? Couldn't he shoot Jason outside his house, instead of in front of 20,000 people and ESPN, with the Jumbotron camera trained on him?] [Ian has no qualms about committing murder, but injuring someone is enough to make him kill himself?]

After Jason discovers that he was the original target, [Ian being dead, how did he discover this?] he visits his rescuer in order to thank her. They strike up a friendship which quickly develops into attraction. He is also enchanted by Christina's daughter Mishayla, six years old and already a budding hockey star. [She plays left wing for the Boston Bruins.]

Sheila Duffy is making life a living hell for Jason. [That should be the topic sentence of the next paragraph, not this one.] Their tumultuous relationship had come to a dramatic close when she confessed that Ian had been her lover. Jason assumes that Ian had tried to kill him out of jealousy, but eventually discovers that the dead man's motives were twofold. A secret that Jason had kept hidden for many years was the actual reason for Ian's rage. [Apparently Jason isn't the only one keeping this secret. What is the secret?!!]

Sheila uses lies, threats and manipulation [All the things men find attractive in a woman.] in an attempt to recapture Jason, but with no success. In a fit of jealous anger, she causes his demotion to a minor league in a distant city through a malicious fabrication. [At the crest of his stellar career he gets sent down? How is this explained to the fans and sportswriters?] [That must have been some fabrication. My guess: Sheila announced that Jason was sleeping with the owner's wife.] Aware that he is seeing someone else, Sheila is determined to drive herself between Jason and his unknown saviour, using his secret as a weapon. [At least someone knows the secret.]

Christina insists on obtaining proof that Sheila is behind Jason's demotion, but Jason tries to keep them apart, fearful that Christina will discover his secret and ultimately reject him. [If only Evil Editor could discover his secret. Can I have three guesses? Is he a serial killer who wears a goalie mask? Does he have a pink butterfly tattoo on his thigh? Wait, I have it! He's a hockey player; he has no teeth!] His selfish omission puts Christina and her daughter in peril. [What did he omit? Who are they in peril from? Christina? Has Jason moved to his new city? If so, how is he trying to keep Christina and Sheila apart?] [Your omission of what the secret is, in case you haven't noticed, is bugging Evil Editor.]

Bad Ice, a novel of approximately 58,900 words, is a romance laced with intrigue that revolves around ice - the fast paced world of hockey, the tranquility of a frozen pond, and the danger that lies beneath the surface. [Sharks. That's what this book needs. Sharks devouring a Zamboni driver. Seriously, think about putting in some sharks devouring a Zamboni driver.]
According to your submission guidelines, I have enclosed with this letter a synopsis, the first three chapters and a self-addressed stamped envelope. You may recycle the material. Thank you for taking the time to read this material. I look forward to further correspondence. This is a multiple submission.

Best Regards,


Revised Version

Dear Agent:

Jason Peterson is at the crest of his stellar hockey career when someone smuggles a gun into an arena and attempts to shoot him during a game. Luckily for Jason, a bystander inadvertently thwarts the murder attempt--though becoming injured in the process.

When Jason discovers that he was the gunman's target, he visits his rescuer, Christina Mackey, to thank her. They strike up a friendship which quickly develops into attraction. Jason is also enchanted by Christina's six-year-old daughter, Mishayla.

Sheila Duffy, Jason's ex-girlfriend, is making life hell for Jason. Their tumultuous relationship had come to a dramatic close when she'd confessed her adultery--she'd cheated on Jason with the gunman who later tried to kill him! Sheila uses lies, threats and manipulation in attempting to win Jason back, but with no success. Aware that Jason is seeing Christina, Sheila determines to drive herself between them--even if it means putting Christina and her daughter in peril.

Bad Ice is a novel of approximately 60,000 words. In accordance with your submission guidelines, I have enclosed a synopsis, the first three chapters and a self-addressed, stamped envelope. You may recycle the material. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Hilarity aside, he had some valid points. I used many of his suggestions for a while, even changing the title, then back again. In the end, I still used a great deal of his ideas plus what I learned from agents, editors and my critique partners. Can you spot the differences? Here's my final version:

Christina Mackey loves everything about hockey. Except the players. Left alone and pregnant by an aspiring pro, she vows it'll take more than a few muscles to change her view on jocks and their exploits.

During a rare visit to a game, she inadvertently foils a murder attempt by a man who smuggles a gun into the arena. When star winger Jason Peterson discovers that he was the target, he visits her to thank her. They strike up a friendship that quickly develops into attraction.

Christina's six-year-old daughter Mishayla immediately accepts him, prompting Christina to let her heart take the lead, albeit with caution. She figures he'll soon come to his senses and move on. Surprisingly, he doesn't. Maybe he's normal after all.

Jason is tired of the dating scene. He'd entertained a succession of beautiful women since his rookie year, but none were a substitute for his first relationship, which had ended in tragedy. Christina's gentle spirit reawakens him, and Mishayla reminds him of the child he could have had.

Shiela Duffy, Jason's ex-girlfriend, refuses to let him go. He had ended their tumultuous relationship when she admitted she was involved with the man who later tried to shoot him.

Her devotion to drugs and alcohol are second only to her obsession with Jason and his lifestyle. She uses lies, threats and manipulation in trying to get him back, but with no success. Aware that he is seeing someone else, she drives herself between them, recklessly putting
Christina and her daughter in peril.

BAD ICE is a contemporary romance set against a hockey background. Using MS Word count, the manuscript is 75,000 words.

Bad Ice caught the attention of Champagne Books and was published in 2008. 

Lots of writing = lots of promotion

What happens when you’ve been writing a lot? You have a lot of book releases. A good thing, don’t get me wrong. A very good thing. But it also means I have to get my butt in gear.

Promotional, promotion, promotion. No one’s going to know about your books unless you get yourself out there. Both online and in person. I’m contacting people for guest blogging opportunities, have built up a presence on Twitter, Facebook, and Good Reads as well as maintaining one on Coffeetime Romance and Romance Divas. In person I have five signings pending with various tourist attractions. Pending because I’ve just contacted them and am waiting their responses.

So promo is a lot of work, but a necessity. And it brings great rewards. I love meeting readers. There’s nothing like hearing that someone liked my work, that maybe my writing has touched them in some way. That in itself makes what I do, all the alone time and the doubts, all worthwhile.

Thanks for reading.

~ Nancy

Website: http://www.nancyhenderson.com